THE CHRISTMAS BENCH
Music available upon request. For professional and amateur rights, creative.conspiracy.productions@gmail.com.
Commissioned by Atlanta’s Alliance Theatre, The Christmas Bench by Larson & Lee was a huge hit, and a favorite among community theatres across the country.
Two men, one older, one younger, sit on a bench during the Christmas shopping season, waiting for their wives. As they get to know each other, Christmas happens around them; the Mall players present a five minute version of “A Christmas Carol”; a homeless man tells a bizarre tale, then sings “O Holy Night”; A Jewish woman, a greeter at the department store, recites a portion of “A Child’s Chanukah in Pittsburgh”; and one of the men turns out to be not quite who we think he is.
3M, 2W — 18 characters, which can be doubled or tripled by a cast of 5 at the producer’s discretion.
Scene excerpt from Act One
JEFF
That’s right. Jeff with a “J”. Sam?
SAM
Right. (SITS) Just listening to that song. Pretty song.
JEFF
Yeah, I wish Karen could have been here to have heard that.
SAM
So your wife’s name is Karen?
JEFF
Karen Finlayson… That’s her maiden name.
SAM
Unusual.
JEFF
Not for Minnesota. We met in college. Moved here right after we got married.
SAM
Irene would have liked that song too.
JEFF
Irene’s your wife?
SAM
Yup. 40 years. You?
JEFF
twenty-five years in April.
SAM
Unusual. I mean, these days.
JEFF
How’s that?
SAM
Sixty-five years between the two of us.
JEFF
Yeah, that’s something…
SUDDENLY A YOUNG WOMAN WALKS TO THE BENCH. SHE IS DRESSED “SANTA-LIKE” IN THE UNIFORM OF A FINCH’S DEPARTMENT STORE HOLIDAY GREETER.
RACHEL
Move.
SAM AND JEFF MOVE TO EITHER SIDE OF THE BENCH AND RACHEL SITS BETWEEN THEM. SHE RUMMAGES AROUND IN HER PURSE AND TAKES OUT A CIGARETTE, WHICH SHE PUTS IN HER MOUTH.
JEFF
I don’t think you can smoke in the mall, (PEERS AT HER NAMETAG)… Rachel.
RACHEL
You can in some malls.
JEFF
Not this one. I’m pretty darn sure.
RACHEL
Some malls have smoking areas.
JEFF
Not this one.
RACHEL STUFFS THE CIGARETTE BACK IN HER PURSE.
JEFF
Your outfit is very…Christmasy.
RACHEL
Damn! I’m supposed to be the Easter bunny.
PAUSE.
SAM
Do you work here, or are you just really into Christmas?
RACHEL
(OPENING HER EYES AND SITTING UPRIGHT) I work here, okay? I’m a Christmas greeter at Finch’s. I stand at the front of the store and say “Merry Christmas” to everyone who enters the store. That’s all I do. I don’t spray them with anything, or hand them a coupon, or take their picture. I just say, “Merry Christmas.” That is my job. And I will do this job until the Christmas shopping season is over, or until I am freed from this bondage by the sweet release of death. Okay?
SHE LEANS HER HEAD BACK AND CLOSES HER EYES.
SAM
Do you give directions?
SHE OPENS HER EYES AND SITS UPRIGHT AGAIN.
RACHEL
What?
SAM
To various departments?
RACHEL
Sometimes.
JEFF
What a nice job.
RACHEL
Nice job? I’m sorry, but are you talking about my job?
JEFF
Sure. Just saying “Merry Christmas” all day. That’s a heck of a job you got there.
RACHEL
Are you…have you ever been Christmas shopping?
JEFF
Oh, many times.
RACHEL
Well, not many people are happy when they’re Christmas shopping. I mean, most people, I say, “Merry Christmas”…and that’s the last time I’m going to say those words for a while because this is my break… when I say “The Phrase” to most people, they just flash a brief, tight smile and soldier on. But some people stop and look at me like they would like to rip my liver out and eat in front of me. I am the Ghost of Christmas What Did You Bring Me.
JEFF
That’s sad. I don’t think that’s the Christmas spirit.
RACHEL
Look, Tiny Tim…
JEFF
Jeff.
RACHEL
Look, Tiny Jeff, I see the people all day long, okay? I’m a licensed professional. Are you sure you can’t smoke in here?
SAM
Not inside. Not in this state.
RACHEL
It’s when I’m in this state that I really need a…oh.
SAM
And that’s the way it’s gotten. People used to be friendly and helpful. Used to not buy so much stuff. I remember we used to make gifts at Christmas, crafts and things. You remember that?
RACHEL
No.
JEFF
Well, I hope your job isn’t making you sour on Christmas.
RACHEL
Sour? Look, I got this job through a temp agency. The last job they got me was cutting the fins off of tuna fish with a band saw. My body, car and house smelled like tuna for a month. I thought it was the worst job I ever had. The absolute worst. But right now I would kill to be back at that job.
SAM
Really, we had whirligigs and Dancing Johnnys or we’d carve something out of wood. Don’t you remember that?
RACHEL
Look, I’m sure Christmas was very warm and wonderful at the little house on the prairie, but I grew up in Pittsburgh. And I’m Jewish. Strike two.
JEFF
So you celebrate Chanukah.
RACHEL
Nah. Chanukah is for kids. Besides, I’m an atheist.
SAM
An atheist?
RACHEL
Yeah.
SAM
I’ve never quite understood that atheist thing. You people seem to accept too much on faith.
RACHEL
Yeah, well…
JEFF
So, do celebrate at all?
RACHEL
Not since I left the neighborhood.
SAM
Jewish neighborhood?
RACHEL
Look, our high school football team starred Lenny Lafkowitz, Rosey Rosenfeld and Hopalong Finkelstein, all right?
SAM
So you lit your mezuzah and all?
RACHEL
Menorah. We had a mezuzah on every door in the house.
JEFF
What’s a mezuzah?
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