NICHOLAS DeBAUBIEN’S: THE HUNCHBACK OF NOTRE DAME

For rights, please contact: creative.conspiracy.productions@gmail.com.

Written by Larry Larson, Eddie Levi Lee, with Rebecca Wackler and John Kohler for the Southern Theatre Conspiracy, Hunchback had many successful productions around the country. The newly revised script is available for production.

A play within a play, this hysterical story follows the ups and downs of egomaniacal director Nicholas DeBeaubien as he attempts to bring to the stage the ultimate version of Hugo’s classic tale of unrequited love. Jumping back and forth between the backstage lives of DeBeaubien’s unfortunate cast and the roles they play, the story of Quasimodo is played out in several styles; ranging from the CABARET style of the Wiemar Republic, to Sci Fi style of sixty’s television.

[A] fresh, witty, biting and truly hysterical play that is delivered flawlessly by one of the most talented groups of actors/comedians this reviewer has had the pleasure of seeing in quite some time.

– Amy Schaumburg, DramaLogue

EXCERPT:

NICK

The whipping must stand for something. It can’t be just the
whipping of a solitary hunchback. The hunchback must be a
symbol. The whip is a symbol, too. Victor Hugo was an
adequate writer, but times have changed. Victor Hugo is
nothing more than a….symbol. Otherwise he’s not relevant.
So what if I change a few lines. It’s a story about ideas.
Ideas and symbols. I mean, look at it this way, Hugo had the
hunchback whipped for an hour! An hour! It should go on for
an hour on stage. Can you imagine what an experience that
would be? To watch someone being whipped for an hour? Really
whipped? Of course you have to get people who are willing to
do it. People who have a commitment. People who are willing
to die for an idea. But they fight me at every turn. I use
what I can of Hugo’s. But I can’t do Victor Hugo’s HUNCHBACK
OF NOTRE DAME. I have to make it mine. I mean, Jesus Christ,
The rich have been flogging the proletariat for a thousand
years. What’s an hour?

LIGHTS DOWN ON NICK. LIGHTS UP ON WHIPPING FOR A LONG
TIME. QUASIMODO IS MOANING IN PAIN. HE PLEADS WITH THE
AUDIENCE.

QUASIMODO

Water…water…water…

THE PLEADING GOES ON FOR A LONG TIME. FINALLY,
ESMERELDA ENTERS. SHE IS A BEAUTIFUL, DARK-HAIRED
GYPSY GIRL. QUASIMODO LOOKS AT HER AND PLEADS FOR
WATER. SHE BRINGS A BOWL OF WATER, AND WALKS SLOWLY UP
TO QUASIMODO’S PLATFORM. SHE HOLDS THE WATER.

8.

ESMERELDA
A drop of water for a tear.

(SHE SETS THE BOWL DOWN JUST
OUT OF HIS REACH)

And to quench your spiritual thirst, I will dance for you.

QUASIMODO

Water…

ESMERELDA

Play gypsies.

QUASIMODO

But….

GYPSY MUSIC PLAYS AND ESMERELDA DANCES. MEANWHILE,
QUASIMODO, WHO IS STILL BEING WHIPPED, DESPERATELY
TRIES TO REACH THE WATER. SINCE HIS HANDS ARE TIED
BEHIND HIM, HE TRIES TO STRAIN HIS BODY, AND EXTEND
HIS LIPS TO THE BOWL, BUT IT REMAINS MADDENINGLY OUT
OF REACH. WHEN ESMERELDA HAS FINISHED HER DANCE, SHE
RETURNS FOR THE BOWL.
ESMERELDA

And now are both your thirst and your soul slakes.

QUASIMODO

Egggghhhh….

SHE REACHES OUT AND TOUCHES HIS FACE.

ESMERELDA

Poor soul. He understands no more about what is happening
than a beetle in a box. I offer him water and yet he does not
drink. I dance and he does not see.
QUASIMODO

Arrrgghhh.

ESMERELDA

Is there anything else I can provide for you?

QUASIMODO

Kiss.

ESMERELDA
(LOOKS AT HIM FOR A SECOND)
Better still, I shall give you a song.
SHE COMES DOWN THE STAIRS.
QUASIMODO

Kiiiisssss………!

9.

SHE SINGS.

ESMERELDA

My father is a bird
My mother is his mate
Over the water I sail without a boat
Over the water I sail without a boat
My father is a bird
My mother is his mate

(SHE SINGS THIS AGAIN, THEN
TURNS TO THE AUDIENCE)

All together now….

SHE GETS THE AUDIENCE TO SING, PERHAPS DIVIDING THE
SONG INTO ROUNDS.
AFTER THE SONG, SHE RETURNS TO QUASIMODO WHO HAS
ALMOST COLLAPSED WITH PAIN AND FATIQUE.
ESMERELDA (CONT’D)

Farewell, poor hunchbacked beetle in a box. I must go tend to
my goat.

SHE PICKS UP THE BOWL OF WATER. QUASIMODO MAKES ONE
LAST STAB AT IT.

ESMERELDA (CONT’D)

But I leave you with this.

(SHE REACHES OUT HER HAND AND
TOUCHES HIS FACE)

When the rats shall devour the cats, the king of Arras shall
be lord.
When the sea, so deep and wide, shall be frozen in
summertime, then you’ll see upon the ice, the men of Arras
shall flee.

(QUASIMODO LOOKS CONFUSED)

Farewell.

SHE EXITS. THE WHIPPING GOES ON.
NICHOLAS ENTERS, LOOKS AT THE SCENE, THEN LOOK AT HIS
WATCH.

NICK

Fifteen minutes more, and it’ll be art.

FADE TO BLACK. ELECTRONIC MUSIC. LIGHTS UP ON A
DRESSING ROOM. JACKIE IS SEATED, READING THE COMIC
BOOK OF “HUNCHBACK OF NOTRE DAME”. WARD IS SEATED ON A
CHAIR, HIS EYES CLOSED, A CANDLE IN HIS MOUTH. LAURA
IS CIRCLING HIM, SPRINKLING POWDER ON THE FLOOR, AND
CHANTING.

10.

LAURA

Lovely powerful Shiva, God of sweeping change, sweep away the
lesser, shut it out of range.
Leave the beauty and the light, bright and clean and fair.
Remove all vibrations of misery and despair.
Leave this place and these fine things, fresh and bright and
pure.
Holy as your own fine self, bright complete and sure.
Lovely powerful Shiva, our thanks to you we give.
That from your sweeping power in beauty we may live.

SHE PUTS THE POWDER DOWN AND PICKS UP A BOWL OF WATER
AND A BOWL OF SALT.

LAURA (CONT’D)
Water and salt, where you are cast
No spell or unknown purpose last
Not in complete accord with me
And as my will, so mote it be!

SHE FLICKS SOME OF THE WATER ON WARD.
LAURA (CONT’D)

Spirits of this water holy, light upon these objects only
Sanctify them as you should, consecrate them for the good.
SHE MUMBLES SOMETHING AND LAYS HANDS ON WARD. SHE
HOLDS THE POSE FOR A LONG TIME.
LAURA (CONT’D)

Feel better?

WARD MUMBLES SOMETHING UNINTELLIGIBLE, SINCE HE STILL
HAS A CANDLE IN HIS MOUTH.
LAURA (CONT’D)

What, darling?

JACKIE
He’s got a candle in his mouth.
LAURA

I know that, Jackie dear. The idea is to speak through the
candle. The candle has been consecrated.

JACKIE

Constipated? My uncle used to get constipated. “Jackie,
Jackie, get the carving knife!”
LAURA
You know what I mean, Jackie.
(WARD MUMBLES)

What, Ward. Speak.

11.

JACKIE

He’s trying to tell you that his nose is burning off.

(SHE SIGHS CONDESCENDINGLY)
LAURA

Ward, I’m going to remove your candles. Stay relaxed and
don’t allow any negative energy to rush back in.

JACKIE

Jesus..

SHE REMOVES THE CANDLES.
LAURA
There. What do you feel.
WARD

Well…I feel…better. The angina has stopped.

LAURA

Good.

JACKIE

Jesus.

WARD

My arm is still a little numb. But I can move my fingers
better. My hip still hurts a little, though. I don’t hear the
ringing in my ears. Wait…maybe a little. No, I think it’s
gone. Laura, you’re wonderful.
LAURA

We still have a lot of work to do. We’ll have another session
tomorrow. Don’t eat any meat. And drink lots of this.

WARD

What is it?

LAURA

Oregon grape, uva ursi, burdock root, blue flag root, red
clover blossoms, prickly ash berries, buckthorn bark, and one
teaspoon of bloodroot.
WARD

Thank you.

LAURA

I wish there was something I could do for you.

JACKIE
Do? What? You mean this?

(POINTING TO HIS HUMP)

12.

LAURA

I know you don’t want to talk about it, dear.

JACKIE

I’ll talk about it. It’s a hump. I have a hump. I’ve always
had a hump.

LAURA

Don’t, Jackie. don’t run yourself down.

JACKIE

I’m not running myself down! I’m swell! I’m special! I’m now!
How many hunchbacks do you know?
WARD

I know one. Well, he’s not really a hunchback. He suffered an
industrial accident.

JACKIE

See?

LAURA
(PUTTING HER HAND ON JACKIE’S
ARM)

No one said you weren’t special, Jackie. We just understand
the pain you must go through.
JACKIE

Pain? Pain? I’ll tell you what pain I’m going through! I’m up
there on the stage getting whipped for an hour, because some
commie hack got hold of some home drug money and decided to
put on a play!

LAURA

I think he’s a genius.
(EXITS)
JACKIE

My ass.

WARD
Why don’t you just quit?
JACKIE

Quit? I’m a hunchback. That’s what I do. Play hunchbacks.
Where am I gonna get another job? Is there a circus in town?
They only do Richard the Third every four years. Jesus, storm
troopers and proletariats. Victor Hugo is spinning in his
fucking grave like a fucking top!
(HOLDS UP THEBOOK)
This is your story! This is a great story!

13.

HE BEGINS TO ACT OUT THE STORY, PLAYING ALL THE PARTS.
TOWARDS THE END OF HIS ACT THE DOOR BURSTS OPEN. IT IS
NICHOLAS.

NICK

It’s not working.

PAUSE. THEY TURN TOWARD JACKIE.

JACKIE
I thought it went pretty well.

BLACKOUT. SOUND OF BELLS PEALING THAT FADES INTO THE
NOTRE DAME FIGHT SONG. SOUND OF A CROWD. AN ANNOUNCER
SAYS, “NOW PLAYING HUNCHBACK FOR NOTRE DAME, TODD
QUASIMODO!” MORE CROWD NOISES. LIGHTS UP ESMERELDA
LEADS THE AUDIENCE IN CATHOLIC CHEERS. LIGHTS UP ON A
FOOTBALL LOCKER ROOM, REALLY NOTHING MORE THAN A
BENCH. QUASIMODO RUNS IN, DRESSED IN A FOOTBALL
UNIFORM. HE TAKES OFF HIS HELMET AND SITS ON THE
BENCH. WARD ENTERS, DRESSED AS PRIEST.

WARD
(WITH AN IRISH ACCENT)

Todd, my boy.

QUASIMODO

Hello, father Frollo.

WARD

Oh, Todd, Todd, Todd. You were a sight to see out there
today.

QUASIMODO

Eh?

WARD

Oh, that’s right. Sometimes I forget about your little
problem.

(HE SHOUTS THE REST OF HIS
LINES)

I said you were a sight to see out there today.

QUASIMODO

About nine o’clock.

WARD

No, Todd. I’m trying to say I was proud of you out there on
that field today! Running through those army devils like
whiskey through an Irishman. Just the way you did with those
high and mighty rich snobs from Yale and Harvard. Those
capitalists are soft, eh, Todd?

14.

QUASIMODO

Yes, father Frollo. They are not as hard as the proletariat,
although they have been attempting to put us down for a
thousand years.

THE PRIEST SITS NEXT TO TODD.

WARD

You know, Todd, it brings back memories. I remember how you
first came here. Left on the doorstep of NOtre Dame in a
basket. There you were, twisted, red, and ugly as a gargoyle.
Some of the people on the staff. even some of the fathers,
took a dislike to you. “This isn’t a child”, they said. “He’s
an ape…a monster. He should be drowned or burned”. Those
weren’t bad people, Todd. They were just intolerant, like the
selfish rich. But my heart melted when I saw you. I took you
in my arms and vowed to take care of you. Soon you were
twisting, hopping, and clumping around the church. And by
golly, we made a bellringer out of you. How you loved those
bells! Of course they made you deaf.
QUASIMODO

Huh?

WARD
(SHOUTING)
I said they made you deaf!

QUASIMQDO

Oh.

WARD

Oh, Todd, Todd, Todd. Those were the days, eh?

QUASIMODO REACHES OUT AND TOUCHES THE PRIEST’S ARM.

QUASIMODO

Thank you.

WARD
(EMBARRASED)

Aw, Todd…

QUASIMODO GETS ON HIS KNEES AND KISSES THE PRIEST’S
RING.

QUASIMODO

I love you. Thank you.
WARD

Oh, Todd, Todd…

ESMERELDA ENTERS, WEARING A CHEERLEADERS OUTFIT.

15.

ESMERELDA
Quasi: ….Quasi,— he’s our man!
If he can’t do it noone can!

(CHEERLEADER MOVE)
WARD

Well, who’s this? If it isn’t our little head cheerleader,
Esmerelda.

ESMERELDA

Hi, father Frollo.

(CHEERS)
Two bits, four bits, six bits
a dollar! All for Quasi, stand up and holler!

WARD

Well, how about that, Todd? Your own cheering section. And a
beautiful one at that. It’s too bad I’m not a few years
younger.

ESMERELDA

And not a priest.

WARD

Well, of course, that’s right. I’m a priest. Otherwise I
might see those creamy little thighs and those perky little
snow-cone breasts, and I would lose control and try to run my
hands up your….

ESMERELDA

Father!

WARD
(LAUGHS)
But I’m married to the Church.
ESMERELDA

And old.

WARD

Well, yes, but not that…well,…let’s hear another cheer,
Esmerelda. And be sure to jump up and down.

ESMERELDA

Okay, father.

(CHEERS)

Rickety-Rickety-Ree! Kick’em in the knee! Rickety-Rickety-
rack! Kick’em in the ….oh! I’m sorry, Todd. I forgot about

your…you know.

QUASIMODO

That’s all right.

16.

WARD

Well, I’ll leave you two lovebirds alone. Todd, don’t do
anything you wouldn’t want the virgin Mary to see you doing.
Hope I see more of you soon, Esmerelda.
ESMERELDA

Bye, Father.

(HE EXITS)

Father Frollo gives me a funny feeling.
QUASIMODO
Father Frollo is a wonderful, kind man.
ESMERELDA

But he’s so old and ugly.

(SHE SITS NEXT TO HIM)

You were wonderful out there today, Todd, you…
(SHE REMEMBERS THAT HE CAN’T
HEAR HER, SO SHE BEGINS
SHOUTING)

You were wonderful out there today, Todd!