EXCERPT:

VOICE: Heart of fire! heart of fire! Heart of fire…

SCROOGE: That’s it! I’ve had it! I’m done…. Goodnight!

Scrooge leaves the stage and heads to the dressing room.

DICKIE JAY
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, Ebby Scrooge has left the building. Wish they’d

done heart of fire.
Short set tonight, Ms. (Mr.) Scrooge?

Heart of Fire chant continues and fades as Scrooge and Cratchit enter the dressing room.

SCROOGE
That moron, that jerk, that idiot! Who was yellin’ for Heart of Fire? I want his name! I want

him in jail for disturbing the peace, and barred from my shows forever!

CRA TCHIT I’ll try. But he’s probably left the building.

SCROOGE
I doubt it. No, he’s lurking around out there. Stalking me. Probably wants me to sign

something.
I’ll alert security…

CRATCHIT

CRATCHIT’

SCROOGE
You do that. And Cratchit, those back-up singers are getting sloppy. Call an early rehearsal

for tomorrow morning.
But ma’m (sir), that’s Christmas morning

SCROOGE
To hell with Christmas! Another excuse for people to take a day off and I’m supposed to

CRATCHIT

pay them for it!
But, it’s a holiday. People have made plans to be with their families.

CRATCHIT

SCROOGE
Oh, alright! No rehearsal on Christmas! Probably wouldn’t get anything done, anyway,

with everyone mooning around, whining about missing their families and their kiddies.

CRATCHIT
And speaking of the children, I was wondering…

SCROOGE
But, I’ll expect everybody bright and early the day after Christmas, or heads will roll.

Including yours. Oh, one more thing, Cratchit. I thought I saw my nephew Freddie out there.

CRATCHIT Yes, he’s here. I saw him earlier in the lobby.

SCROOGE
That means another invitation to his lame-o Christmas Party, with his “Martha Stewart-

wife” and his nerdy friends. I’d rather spend a day in hell with large rabbits, then spend the afternoon over there. If he’s still here, find him, and tell him, I’ve already got plans, and send him one of those autographed fruitcakes we send out every year. (Beat)
Well? What are you still standing here for? Go and get me tonight’s sales numbers!

CRATCHIT
Will do. But about your nephew Freddie. I was just thinking, I mean, I just had I thought

that, maybe it would be better if you… SCROOGE

Thought? You thought?
Yes, M’am. (Sir)
With what?
The left front cortex of my brain?

CRA TCHIT SCROOGE CRA TCHIT

SCROOGE
Well, let me let you in on a little secret, Cratchit. You left your

brains in Iraq, pal. You’re burnt out. Bobby-Boy—fried! Now get out of here and get me those concession numbers.

Yes, ma’m (sir).

CRATCHIT

SCROOGE
And don’t forget about that rehearsal! Bright and early.

I’ll pass the word.

Freddie enters.

CRATCHIT

CRA TCHIT Oh, Hi there Freddie! Merry Christmas!

FREDDIE

Merry Christmas, Bob!

CRA TCHIT
You know, Freddie, I was hoping to run into you. I have a message from your Auntie

(Uncle) Scrooge, I’m afraid…

SCROOGE
Oh, stuff it, Cratchit. I’m standing right here. Go! Get me those numbers!

FREDDIE
Merry Christmas, Auntie (Uncle). Great stuff out there.

SCROOGE Was that you begging for “Heart of Fire”?

FREDDIE
No. But I sure wish you’d’ve done it. It’s my favorite…

SCROOGE
What do you want? Money? I got you tickets to the show, didn’t I?

FREDDIE
No, I bought these tickets on the Georgia Ensemble website. It was part of a very

affordable season subscription package…

SCROOGE
Okay. No free ticket for my nephew, Freddie. Is that a federal crime? I confess, take me

away. If I gave free tickets to everybody who came to me whining for them, I wouldn’t have toll booth change.

You’re absolutely right!

FREDDIE

SCROOGE So, what do you want from me?

FREDDIE Nothing. I just thought, this being Christmas…

SCROOGE
Christmas! Freddie, let me tell you what you can do with your Christmas. Put it in a sock,

stick it under your bed and let the rats eat it. FREDDIE

You don’t mean that!

SCROOGE
Oh, did I shock you? Did I insult your little pagan holiday? How naughty of me. Don’t

give me Merry Christmas. What right have you got to be merry? You’re poor enough.

FREDDIE
What right have you to be so cynical? You’re rich enough.

SCROOGE Out! Get the hell out before I throw you out.

FREDDIE

Now don’t get upset…

SCROOGE
What else can I be when I live in a world of total idiots? Merry Christmas? I’ll tell you

what Christmas is. It’s a time when you pile up the bills, you have no money, and you spend the rest of the year paying off plastic. So, there’s your Christmas, pal. Another day older and deeper in debt. And I ain’t buyin’ it. And anybody who does should be boiled in eggnog.

FREDDIE
We obviously hold a difference of opinion on the subject.

SCROOGE
All right. What good has Christmas ever done you? Astonish me.

9

FREDDIE
(Harmonica under) I don’t think of Christmas in terms of money. It’s a kind, forgiving,

charitable time. It’s the only time in the whole year when men and women open up their hearts, and don’t think of each other as coming from different places, going in different directions, but traveling all together, on the same journey, on the same planet. I think Christmas does me a lot of good, whether I have any money or not. And I say… God bless it!

SCROOGE
That’s great. That’s sweet. Do we get an insulin shot with that? You oughta become a TV

evangelist. You’d make more money and your wife can stop peddling her Mary Kay “ass- sets” around the neighborhood. And speaking of your charming wife, where is the little woman?

FREDDIE
Well, that’s why I’m here. She’s gone getting everything ready for Christmas dinner

tomorrow, and we’d be very happy if you would join us!

SCROOGE Let me explain it to you, Freddie.