Excerpt from Act one.

(Scrooge settles into the hot tub and turns on the radio. Christmas carols.)

SCROOGE: Damn. (He changes the station. More Christmas carols. Bing Crosby sings, “Do you hear what I hear?”) (Scrooge sings) “Do you beat your children?” Nothing but Christmas crap. Welcome to the fifth circle of hell.

(He finally finds a station playing rock music. He settles back into the tub with a towel over his eyes. The song ends, and as unctuous DEEJAY comes on.)

DEEJAY: And now, it’s time for a golden oldie.

SCROOGE: Great.

DEEJAY: Let’s go all the way back to 1959.

SCROOGE: Let’s don’t.

DEEJAY: Let’s go all the way back to the day the music died. When that Cessna went down in Clear Lake, Iowa. A lot of our hopes and dreams crashed and burned with it. We lost the Big Bopper, Richie Valens, and this man. This one goes out especially to you, Iggy.

(Music begins to play. Iggy removes the towel from his face and sits up.)

SCROOGE: What the hell…(Suddenly, from the hot tub, between Igg’s legs, a woman rises up, dressed in a 50’s “Poodle Girl” style.) Whoa! Dial 1-900- POP-TART. (The girl stands beside the tub. Despite her strange clothes, she is clearly one of the Charity Ladies we saw earlier..) Hey, I know you! (Suddenly, another girl, the other Charity Lady, appears in the same manner.) What the hell are you doing here?

MARGIE: You invited us.

IRENE: You wanted us to join you for a drink.

MARGIE: So, here we are.

IRENE: Now, how about that drink?

SCROOGE: Well, this isn’t exactly what I had in…(Suddenly, they shove his head under water, holding it there until we’re afraid he has drowned. They allow him to come up, gasping for air.) Hey…wait a minute..security…

MARGIE AND IRENE: Last call!

(They shove his head under again. Again, he comes up gasping for air. He leaps from the tub and throws on his robe.)

SCROOGE: You bitches are nuts! I’m getting security! (He begins to go toward the door. There is a knock.) Who is it?

VOICE: Buddy.

SCROOGE: Buddy, get in here and tell these crazy ladies that…(He opens the door. It is Buddy Holly, wearing charred clothes.) Oh. That Buddy. What are you doing here?

GHOST: I’m here to show you a few things. Hey, nice dressing room. You must be doing all right. In some ways.

SCROOGE: I’ve come a long way.

GHOST: You sure have. The question is, is it the right way?

SCROOGE: Wait. You’re the first spirit that Marley talked about.

GHOST: Boo!

SCROOGE: Which one are you?

GHOST: Which one do you think?

SCROOGE: Uh…the Ghost of Christmas Past?

POODLE GIRLS: (Fingers on noses) Bingo!

GHOST: I have a message for you, Iggy.

SCROOGE: You were around in the fifties. That music didn’t have messages.

GHOST: (Clutching his heart) Ouch! (Suddenly, he leaps into action, counting off the band.) One, two, three, four!

((He and the band play and sing, “You Gotta Go Back.”)

SOME PEOPLE SAY
LIVE FOR TODAY
THE PAST IS ONLY A SORROW
YOU GOTTA LET GO
DON’T LET IT SHOW
KEEP YOU EYE ON TOMORROW

KEEP LOOKIN’ AHEAD
BUT WHAT IF YOU’RE DEAD
THAT PUTS A CRIMP IN YOUR FUTURE
SO LET’S TAKE A LOOK
OPEN THE BOOK
TO AN EARLIER CHAPTER

CHORUS:
YOU GOTTA GO BACK
YOU GOTTA GO-HO-HO BACK
PUT IT ALL ON THE LINE
THERE’S STILL ENOUGH TIME
YOU GOTTA GO-HOH-HOH-UH BACK

LIVIN’ AT SCHOOL
TEACHER’S A GHOUL
NOBODY CARES THAT YOU’RE CRYIN’
RUNNIN’ AWAY
WHERE YOU CAN STAY
A PLACE FOR LIVIN’ NOT DYIN’
BEAT UP CHAVELLE
STEADY NAMED BELLE
MAKIN’ OUT AT THE DRIVE-IN
CRUSIN’ THE STRIP
THINKIN’ YOU’RE HIP
YOU AIN’T THERE BUT YOU’RE TRYIN’

(CHORUS)