EXCERPT:

SCENE 5 Doctor, Doctor, Give Me the News.

Lights fade to black. Upbeat music is heard, as the lights slowly come up as Dr. Reva Warner enters, with applause, and stands in front of the audience. She is a middle-aged woman, still energetic, with a slight European accent.

                                                DR. REVA       

Welcome to the show, I’m Dr. Reva Warner. And first, I’d like to remind everyone that my new book, ”Super-Sized Sex- For a Super-Sized Marriage,” is available now at all the best bookstores, and Amazon. But everyone in this audience, including our brave couple, who you will meet in just a moment, gets a free copy, signed by me personally. So, to work. Let’s have a big hand for our “Couple in Trouble” for today, Shelley and Jack.

            Applause. They enter from backstage, and take their seats on either side of Dr. Reva.                                                       

                                                DR. REVA.

 Thank you both for being here.

                                                JACK

Well, first, Dr. Reva I have to say, I’m a little surprised. My understanding was that this was going to be a onetime interview thing, to see if we needed help. Private you know, just us. Not all of them.

                                                SHELLEY

I didn’t think we could wait for three months to see you, and when they said it would be taped,  I thought that would be all right, taped for the record. You know.

                                                DR. REVA

Well, this isn’t the first time a couple has gotten cold feet. And the last thing I want is for our talk to be guarded or counterproductive. So, thank you for coming, and I’m sorry for the misunderstanding. You still get a book, and you get a book, and you get a book.

             (Laughs, break music plays).

So, we’ll just take a short break, and then, bring in our next couple, from The Hip-Hop Wives of Atlanta, Na-Jay and Sugar Baby, who are clashing over the adoption of their transsexual, teenage twins from Sweden, and the tension that has placed on their relationship…

            Lights start to fade.

                                                JACK

Wait.  Now that we’re here, we might as well give it a whirl. I can always take the Fifth, right? “I refuse to answer on the grounds that what I say may get me suffocated in my sleep?”

                                                SHELLEY

You see, that’s what I have to put up with? That’s the nasty kind of sarcasm he thinks is humorous, but does nothing but to portray me as some kind of murderous she-devil.

                                                JACK

I never said you were a she-devil. I just was hinting that there could be a price to pay if you don’t get your way. I was kidding. I mean, about the she-devil thing.

                                                DR. REVA

You were kidding. Was a sense of humor one of the things that attracted you to Shelley, Jack? Besides looks, men tend to say they look for a woman that has a sense of humor. In my experience, that generally means, not only are they seeking a “mother-figure,” and a sexual partner, they are also looking for a buddy. Someone who shares their sense of humor. (To Jack) Was that Shelley when you first met her?

                                                JACK

We used to laugh a lot. At other people mostly. Not in a mean way, like at deformed people, midgets, or people like that. Just at dumb people, who did stupid things.

                                                SHELLEY

I worked for the airlines. Jack was quite a bit older, but handsome, a big sports star, but a gentleman, and obviously well off.

                                                JACK

I was on the Wheaties box. If I hadn’t have gotten injured, I think I could have been in the Hall of Fame.

                                                SHELLEY

It seemed like everyone knew him. My father loved him.

                                                JACK

I did a lot of traveling back then, and had just gotten a divorce. I think we were both lonely.

                                                SHELLEY

We actually didn’t date that much. I had just come off a divorce, as well, so we had that in common, Jack seemed like he was the kind of man I could depend on to provide me with children and security.

                                                JACK

Shelley is a smart. Lots of energy.  And she can be very charming, as long as she gets her way

                                                DR. REVA

What about the sex? Did you have sex before you were married?

                                                SHELLEY

(Blushing, hesitant) Well, Dr. Reva, I’m not sure that’s relevant to our marriage now…

                                                DR. REVA

But it is essential for us to know all the details of your sex-life to get to the real root of your problems.

                                                JACK

Okay. I’ll spill. We went to Sarasota together. (Looks at Shelley, who is still a little reluctant,)

                                                SHELLEY

Well,…okay…I got free tickets from the airline, so we traveled quite a bit on weekends of holidays, or whatever, just for fun.

                                                JACK

So it was after the beach one weekend, we were both feeling no pain, you know? And then, out of the blue, she was all over me, tore the buttons off my new Tommy Bahama beachcomber shirt.

                                                SHELLEY

 Only time in my life, I’ve ever really, lost control, you know….physically.

                                                JACK

And then, later that evening, right after that, at dinner…                  

                                                SHELLEY

At Bobby’s On the Beach.

                                                JACK

Great restaurant.

                                                SHELLEY

Jack popped the question, and I said, yes, when he agreed to convert. 

                                                DR. REVA

To Judaism?

                                                SHELLEY

 My Jewish faith and heritage is, very important to me.

                                                DR. REVA

How did you feel about that, Jack?

                                                JACK

Well, my family wasn’t deeply religious, and it seemed so important to her.

                                                DR. REVA

A deal breaker to the marriage? Do you think Shelley would have married you, if you hadn’t agreed to convert to the Jewish faith?

                                                JACK

I don’t know.

                                                DR. REVA

Shelley?

                                                SHELLEY

(Avoiding) We had a beautiful wedding. And a wonderful son, Stephen.

                                                DR. REVA

Yes. We will get to your son, Stephen. But right now I want to focus on you, and where your marriage is now. How would you feel about doing some role-playing? It might help us to be able to give you some feedback about what I see going on with you two. What do think! Audience? (Applause)

                                                SHELLEY

 I played the part of Ruth, during Purim at the synagogue. And I sing.

                                                JACK

I played Tom Sawyer when I was in 7th grade. The girls went crazy.

                                                DR. REVA

Okay. Ready? Here we go.  Here’s your setup, block out everything else, it’s just the two of you. You’re at home. Alone, together…

            As she speaks, the lights slowly transition to the Portman living room, only slightly          surreal and theatrical. Dr. Reva remains on the set, but moves to the background where        she can observe, as Shelley and Jack take their places,

                                                DR. REVA

Jack is maybe going through the mail. (She maybe hands him a stack) Shelley is looking through a catalog or polishing furniture Okay? Let’s see what might happen between you, if there was some lingering problem that comes up from your married life, recently.

            A moment.

                                                SHELLEY

The mortgage.

                                                JACK

Your obsessive need to control everything.

            The lights and set have fully transitioned now, to Jack and Shelley in their living room.

                                                DR. REVA

Good. That’s good, now go ahead. .

                                                SHELLEY

 So, El Paso. Bryan.

                                                JACK

If he doesn’t show up for the trial, I’m screwed. (Beat) Is this all the mail?

                                                SHELLEY

That’s it.

                                                JACK

Nothing else? No payment from those dead beat time-share rental people?

                                                SHELLEY

Not yet.

                                                JACK

Goddamn it! It’s been a two months.

                                                SHELLEY

I told you not to rent to those people, or get at least half of it up front.

                                                JACK

There wasn’t anybody else who wanted it, Shelley! It was just sitting there empty, costing us thousands of dollars we don’t have, since the market went south.  (Beat) You’re sure that’s it? Nothing else?

                                                SHELLEY

Except for the mortgage bill. We’re two months behind, Jack. I thought it probably slipped your mind, like every other important thing around here. I was going to write a check tomorrow, and drop it off at the bank.

                                                JACK

Don’t do that.

                                                SHELLEY

Why?

                                                JACK

I’ll take care of it. I’m thinking we should refinance, anyway, you know, find another lender, go to a fifteen year fixed.

                                                SHELLEY

Where would we do that?

                                                JACK

Are you questioning me about our finances?

                                                SHELLEY

Our finances involve me, too. Including your gambling in the housing market. And, let me remind you whose money went into the down payment on this place, in the first place.

                                                JACK

Well, you weren’t satisfied with our first house, in Vinings!

                                                SHELLEY

It wasn’t a house! It was a two level condo with no garage, no backyard, no pool, and no room for entertaining.

                                                JACK

And no three thousand dollar a month mortgage payment!

                                                SHELLEY

If you refinance, even at a lower rate for fifteen years, that’s double the monthly payment! Where is that going to come from? My parents again? You said this recession was just a short term thing, the market was bouncing back. The only thing that’s bouncing is our mortgage payments, and that reflects on me as much as you!

                                                JACK

I told you, Shelley! Don’t talk to me about finances! I do the finances! I’m a stockbroker, for chrissakes! I know all about finances and this market! And if I say we refinance, we refinance!                                          

                                                SHELLEY

You’re not the only one involved in these decisions! I don’t care how big a star you used to be! Now you’re just a front man for a failing investment bank, who takes his marching orders from his sleazy, boss, “Fast Eddie!”  

.                                               JACK

Eddie’s my best friend, and just about the only one I’ve got left at that dog-eat-dog asylum!   He’s keeping us afloat! Do you understand that, Shelley?

                                                SHELLEY

You don’t have to yell at me, Jack!

            He is very close to her now. Threatening. Hand up, finger in her face.

                                                JACK

  Do you understand that, goddamn it! Am I being clear! Am I being crystal clear!

            Dr. Reva steps between them.

                                                DR. REVA

Okay! I think we’re off to a great start! (As lights restore to studio, leading applause) That was wonderful. How did that feel?

                                                SHELLEY

I was scared to death he was going to kill me.

                                                JACK

I guess I just kind of lost it there, a little. 

                                                DR. REVA No worries. That’s why we do the role-playing here in the Dr. Reva Safe Zone.  (Beat)  Well, I think it’s time for a break, but please don’t go away. Our hopelessly dysfunctional couple, Jack and Shelley, will be right back, after this word from our sponsors, Lim-Pedic, your “Stand up cure” for erectile dysfunction, and Glide-O-Max Gel. Take the friction out of your lovemaking with Glide-O-Max Gel for her, and E-Recto Gel for him.