A WAFFLE PALACE CHRISTMAS
Heartfelt southern humor scattered, smothered, and covered in a spicy holiday sauce. The charming characters from our sell-out Waffle Palace are back in this long-awaited sequel; full of fun, laughter and Christmas cheer.
8 actors
EXCERPT:
ACT ONE:
Blackout. Dismal music. As a bell tolls, solemnly, a light comes up on a solitary figure sitting on a stool, on the down-right platform overlooking the stage. The is Krampus Corner. The light may project the appearance of a prison cell with prison bars. Behind these bars, sitting on a stool, or on the stool, is a monster: Krampus, once the frightening and powerful horned- demon of the dark side of Christmas. He is now diminished, dressed in dirty prison garb. What’s left of his majestic horns is hidden under a threadbare prison cap. He hangs his head in dejection. The Waffle Palace is dark and shrouded below him. Suddenly there is the SFX perhaps a long crashing chord and perhaps the sound of the cell door being opened.
There is a blinding light that bathes Krampus, forcing him to shield his eyes, a voice comes out of the light, this is the Lady, who is heard in voiceover, live, from a backstage microphone, with spooky SFX, The light may actually pulse as she speaks..
LADY
Anybody home? Oh, I like what you’ve done with the place.
Krampus starts to rise.
LADY
Sit! (He sits)
KRAMPUS
Sorry. I was just…
LADY
Did I tell you to speak?
KRAMPUS
No, I just thought…
LADY
Yet, you spoke again!
KRAMPUS
But you asked…oh, I get it. My mistake.
LADY
You know why you’re here, yes? (He starts to speak, but refrains) Good. Now, Krampus, you’ve been around for a long, long, time. (He struggles to keep from answering.) You were, in the beginning, effective. Santa’s evil twin. No one, no Grinch, no Scrooge, could take down Christmas like you. You haunted the nightmares of the young and the old alike. People would speak your name with quivering lips. But, no one is afraid of the old monsters. They’ve got plenty of new monsters; climate change, politics, Facebook. It’s time to clean house. Any last words?
KRAMPUS
So, you’re throwing me out? Like used coffee grounds?
LADY
Of course not. Used coffee grounds can be used for mulch. And I’m not throwing you out. I’m throwing you into the Pit of Eternal Oblivion. I’m sure you remember The Pit.
All hell breaks loose. Wild lights, (strobes if you got’em) sounds of tormented screaming, all extremely disturbing. They stop.
KRAMPUS
One more chance? (She starts to speak, but he goes on.) I can adapt, Your Viciousness. Please, I deserve one more chance.
LADY
Why do you deserve it?
KRAMPUS
Seniority?
Pause.
LADY
Oh, hell. Why not? Let me check my list. Hmmm. I assume you would like the greatest challenge possible.
KRAMPUS
Not neccessi…
LADY
Ah! Here it is! The Waffle Palace
As we have later in the “Health Inspector” scene, a Waffle Palace Menu can magically come from above into the cell. If not doable, there may be quick lighting effect, maybe just on the WP sign or the sign and counter area which Krampus could see briefly, which would go out quickly or stay in half light until the song.
KRAMPUS
Interesting. A palace made of Waffles?
LADY
That’s right, and their moat is filled with syrup…NO, YOU IDIOT! It’s a disgustingly happy little diner, especially at Christmas. Yes, this is the place. I’ve had my eye on this thorn in my side for years. All right. Here’s your chance. Close. This. Diner. Forever. This would bring great unhappiness to the patrons, worshippers of this place. No more Christmas at the Palace. Can you do this?
KRAMPUS
Absolutely. I can leave it in ruins I’ve got it. No problemo.
LADY
Really? Take a look at this.
We hear the sound of lightning strike SFX and suddenly the Waffle Palace emerges around them. Krampus looks at the scene below, as the Lady’s light dims to almost nothing.
As the lights come up, the characters enter, individually, as they start the song, and go to their respective places. A representative mix of staff and customers, this is pure Lady Demon Fantasy.
Lights up on first singer. Perhaps popping up magically from behind the counter, followed by Alex.
DEANDRE
I’ll sing a song for Christmas.
ALEX
A singer is just what I am.
BUSINESSMAN
I can sing a little.
MAVIS
And I can’t sing worth a damn.
They sing the WP Christmas song.
CONNIE
Christmas comes but once a year…
JOHN
…but it’s Christmas all year long…
ALL
At the Waffle Palace
At the Waffle Palace
ALEX
Pretty presents on the menu…
BUSINESSMAN
This is one amazing venue…
ALL
At the Waffle Palace!
At the Waffle Palace!
CONNIE
Bring your sis, and bring your brother…
JOHN
Bring your dad and other mother…
ALEX
Bring your cousin and your teacher…
MAVIS (Badly off key)
…and your favorite Sunday preacher!
ALL
To the Waffle Palace!
To the Waffle Palace!
Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah
Di Di Ding Dong (x3)
CHORUS
Ring in the Christmas Bells
Kindness and good service dwells
At the Waffle Palace
At the Waffle Palace
CONNIE
We’ve got the tree for decorating…
ALEX
Christmas lights are up and waiting…
BUSINESSMAN
The holly wreath is on the door…
BUSINESSWOMAN
There’s mistletoe, and carols galore…
DEANDRE
Stockings full of Christmas cheer…
MAVIS
And the biggest tips we get all year!
They all look at her.
I mean. (Sings) And we’re always glad to have you here…
ALL
At the Waffle Palace.
At the… Waffle… Palace.
They break into Broadway style Christmas production number as they trim the tree and finish decorating the WP, with over-the-top magic and cheer. Christmas lights up on stage until they finish in a stunningly cheesy finale.
CHORUS
So, ring in the Christmas bells
Kindness and good service dwells
Yes, ring in the Christmas bells
Kindness and good service dwells
(Big finish) At the Waffle Palace
At…the…Waffle….PALACE!
BROWNOUT: In the dim light, they freeze. The lights now return to Krampus on the platform. The WP and the singers and dancers may exit or remain frozen in the shadows. The Lady’s light returns. Her voice may now be pre-recorded VO or the actress once again on live mic backstage.
LADY
Well?
KRAMPUS
Do they really do that? Every Christmas?
LADY
Well, I may have embellished a little, but that’s the essence. Can you handle that?
KRAMPUS
(Gulps) Absolutely..
LADY
Then do it. Go to the humidity capitol of the world and close this greasy, open 24/7, centerpiece for Christmas for one and all. And remember the rule.
KRAMPUS
Don’t kill anybody, no matter how much I want to.
LADY
That’s right. But extra points for creativity. So. Can you do it? Can you shut it down before Christmas?
KRAMPUS
I’ll at least get it to open late on…
LADY
(ANGRY SFX) CLOSE IT! WIPE IT OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH! Do this, you pathetic excuse for a monster, or you face…
A brief repeat of the Pit effects. It stops.
LADY
Then go. Say hey to Mama and ’em
The Lady Light goes out, and the bars and chains are suddenly gone.
KRAMPUS
(To her disappearing light and sound) Don’t worry. Your glorious evil-ness. I’ve got this. After all, I AM KRAMPUS, THE PUNISHER OF SOULS! I AM THE DESTROYER! I AM KRAMPUS, NOW AND FOREVER! (To himself, looking at materials) So…what? A plan. A plan would be good. Should be quick and simple. and effective. Easy. Piece of fruitcake.
Krampus exits, and lights come up full on the “real” WP. The staff, and perhaps a couple of the customers, have now reentered and are at work. DeAndre is behind the grill, Alex sits in a booth, with her laptop. Mavis is waiting on the Businessman.
MAVIS
“Scattered” means the hash browns are scattered all over the plate, instead of being in a neat little pile.
BUSINESSMAN
“What about “Scattered, smothered, covered, chunked, topped and diced?”
MAVIS
That’ll get you onions, cheese, ham, chili, and diced tomatoes.
BUSINESSMAN
I’ll have that next time. Where have you folks been all my life?
MAVIS
Right here, darling.
John enters, from the office, carrying two tubs of waffle batter.
Connie sees him.
CONNIE
Here, John, let me take one of those. You shouldn’t be carrying something that heavy. Mavis, get the other tub.
They start to take them from him.
JOHN
It’s just waffle batter. They’re not that heavy.
CONNIE
But, you just got out of the hospital.
MAVIS
Last time I saw you, you looked like a big ol’ pin-cushion, with all them tubes and wires hanging off you.
JOHN
They were just running some tests. I’m fine.
CONNIE
It wasn’t your heart? I thought that thing went off.
JOHN
Defibrillator. False alarm. Just a little exhaustion. I couldn’t wait to get back to work. (To DeAndre) Put these in the fridge…uh…
DEANDRE
DeAndre.
JOHN
DeAndre. Sorry, I’ll get it. I was just a little surprised to get back and see I’d been replaced.
CONNIE
I wasn’t sure when you’d be able to get back at it, right away—so I hired him to fill in on the grill.
JOHN
Yes, so you told me. (To DeAndre)? How‘s it going, DeAndre? You handling the grill, all right?
DEANDRE
Grill? (Looks down at grill) Oh, this! The grill! The cooking place. I guess.
John looks at Connie, suspiciously.
Connie smiles, and crosses to the Business Woman.
CONNIE
Are you ready to order?
BUSINESSWOMAN
Oh, yes. I didn’t think a laminated menu could feature so much goodness. Waffles, steaks, tuna melts, so much!
CONNIE
So, you’ll have…
BUSINESSWOMAN
Toast. To go.
CONNIE
That’s it?
BUSINESSWOMAN
Meetings this afternoon. Didn’t want to feel sluggish. Just toast.!
CONNIE
We make great toast. (Starts off)
BUSINESS WOMAN
Oh, wait! (She stands and pulls out her cell phone.)
CONNIE
What…?
BUSINESSWOMAN
Oh, I just wanted my old friends from the Wharton School to see this place. This rustic Jewel, in the middle of our glitzy, modern development. It feels like I just stepped back in time.
JOHN
(Jumping in) If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it, right? Most everything in here goes back to the original diner. I reupholstered the booths, myself, a few years back.
BUSINESSWOMAN
(To Connie) Well, it looks like you’ve got a keeper, here. Good help is hard to find.
JOHN
You can say that, again. I’m John, the owner. My daddy started this place over forty years ago, and…
CONNIE
Well, we’re partners.
JOHN
Oh. Sure we are. I just meant…
CONNIE
And we’re thinking of modernizing,
JOHN
Modernizing?
CONNIE
Keeping pace with the changing times and tastes of our customers.
BUSINESSWOMAN
Well, be careful. Don’t lose that fifties-burnt-bacon ambience.
A pool of light comes up on the Krampus Platform, stage right. Ominous music begins to play, as the activity continues in a “brown out” in the diner below.
SFX. Lights full up on Krampus. He is dressed in his idea of what a “southerner” looks like, in a pair of overalls, perhaps with a coat of some kind.
As he addresses the audience he may come down the stairs as far as the lower platform, but remains out of the diner reality until the end of the monologue.
KRAMPUS
(Acknowledging the audience.) ! Well, here I am in the sunny ol’ South, home of Coca Cola and the most disappointing professional sports teams in the free world. So this is the Waffle Palace. (To audience) Oh! Hey! I recognize some of you from, you know, Christmas Past. Let me see…(He points out, quickly, members of the audience.) Naughty, naughty, naughty, nice, but wants to be naughty, really naughty, (stops, as he sees man in front row)…oh, I remember you. Is this your wife? Sure it is. “Naughty. ” Look at all of you, infected with the Glorious Spirit of Christmas. I see that as a cry for help. Not to worry, help is here. You know, this is one of the most disgustingly happy places I’ve been assigned to. Don’t they know what’s going on in the world? That’s okay. I will suck all of the Christmas spirit from this merry little grease pit in short order, close it down for good!. Because, I’m the best. (Loudly) I AM KRAMPUS! I AM THE PUN…okay, here’s the thing. I’ve had a bad couple of centuries. This may be my last chance, and if I fail this time…but, let’s don’t talk about that. I won’t fail. I got this. Stick to the plan, eyes on the prize. (He rubs his head and realizes his horns are visible.) Oh. (From his back pocket, he pulls out a Braves (or Falcons) cap and puts it on.) This should do it. I’ll take a look around, reconnoiter a bit, and the final solution will reveal itself. Then, I’ll fix it and get my wings. Just kidding. That’s angels. And, ladies and gentlemen, (puts on hat and speaks in a country accent) I ain’t no angel.
He enters the Waffle Palace, which immediately comes up in full light and possibly Christmas music from the juke box. Perhaps a simpler, country music version of Waffle Palace Christmas.
MAVIS
Just sit anywhere you like.
KRAMPUS
Okay, sure, If’n y’all say so, ma’am I’ll jest fetch me a seat at that thar counter and git me a vittle or two, ya hear?
MAVIS
(Staring at him for a moment.) Okay, then.
He sits.
BUSINESSMAN
(From his booth, to Business Woman) Excuse me. Did I hear you say Wharton? I was class of 1999.
BUSINESSWOMAN
Really? I was 2004. By the way, you have a lovely singing voice.
BUSINESSMAN
Thank you, so do you. Do you work in the complex?
BUSINESSWOMAN
Yes, I….(LaLa answer)
Connie bangs on a glass, getting everyone’s attention.
CONNIE
Attention, everyone! We always love to have you here, at Christmas, or anytime. But, this is a very special Christmas. (John may think Connie is getting ready to welcome him back, instead…) Mavis, would you come here? (She does) This Christmas, Mavis will have been here, serving you, for forty years! (Leads them in applause)
JOHN
(Stepping forward) That’s right. Forty years. I think more people come here because of Mavis, than they do for the food! (Audience member, or businessman—I do!)
CONNIE
(Cutting him off) So, in honor of her service, her dedication and all the waffles she has served and coffee she has and all her hundreds of regular customers she has turned into friends over these many years, we have made her a member of the Waffle Palace Hall of Fame!
She pulls a string, revealing an awkward photo of Mavis, in action. She leads the applause, again. Various people start shouting, “Speech! Speech!”
MAVIS
Okay, okay. Stop your yelling. Well, I didn’t know there was a Hall of Fame. It looks like I’m the only one in it. I like working here, but it wasn’t my dream. I used to be a groupie for Gladys Knight and the Pips. Especially the Pips. I fell in love with one of them. His name was Creelo. I thought I would spend the rest of my life, following Creelo around, then he would notice me and we would get married in a big ceremony with swans carved out of ice, and a cute little ring-bearer boy, who would fall down, and everyone would laugh. But that didn’t happen, so I started workin’ here. It’s not the glamour of R&B, but it’s nice. Thank y’all. Try the steak. (Applause)
As the WP goes back to work, the businessman and businesswoman pay and leave.
BUSINESSMAN (At counter)
I’m certainly glad Mavis waited on me.
BUSINESSWOMAN
Hope she’s here for forty more.
They leave.
Krampus rises and crosses downstage, speaking to the audience.
KRAMPUS
Yew know whut’all I like is…(Catches himself, talks normally) You know what I like? Vulnerability. You know what I hate? The Pit of Eternal Oblivion. (Quick Pit Moment.)
So they come for Mavis? Not for long. (Exits)
JOHN
(Going through receipts. To Connie.) So now we have a Hall of Fame?
CONNIE
Well, as important as Mavis is to this place, I thought she deserved some official recognition.
JOHN
I guess she does. I was just, you know, surprised. Speaking of being surprised, what’s that you said before…about modernizing?
CONNIE
I was going to talk to you about that when you got back. You’ve been way too overworked, here; cooking on the grill, doing the books, scheduling, supervising…
JOHN
I can handle…
CONNIE
John, John. When this place nearly went under, I invested my own money, to save it. And, I’m excited to be a partner. I can order. I can pay bills. (Turns to Mavis) Mavis, Honey, will you see if the young lady is ready for her check?
MAVIS
Yes, ma’am!
Mavis crosses to Alex
CONNIE
And, as you can see, I can supervise.
JOHN
Still, I’d like to have some input on your decisions.
CONNIE
Of course. And I would like to have input on yours..
She crosses away. Alex comes up to the counter to pay her check
MAVIS
(Mavis rings her up) One Patty Melt with turkey bacon to go. You come back now.
ALEX
I will.
MAVIS
We’re just one big happy family!
ALEX
That’s definitely the vibe…
MAVIS
And here’s your change.
ALEX
You keep that. Merry Christmas.
John stares at Alex.
MAVIS
Merry Christmas, darlin’. You come see us again. .
CONNIE
John?
JOHN
What?
CONNIE
You look like you just saw a ghost..
JOHN
(Coming out of it) Oh, no. Just a little, whataya call it, déjà vu. …
John crosses away to the back room, shaking his head.
Connie gets back to work.
Alex starts to leave, but DeAndre stops her.
DEANDRE
Hey, I see you in here, every day, hammerin’ away on that laptop You writin’ a novel, or something?
ALEX
A novel? No, not a novel. That would be…I don’t know…I could…I mean, I’m writing…so, no.
I’m a… what Dracula would call (like Bela Lugosi)…a Vlahhhger! (He looks puzzled). Dracula would… I’m a vlogger…a volgger. I write and edit a vlog.
DEANDRE
Outstanding. What about?
ALEX
Well, the vlog is called Save the Dream. It’s about how the old America, the, you know, traditional America is being destroyed….by… it’s basically political
DEANDRE
You got a lot of subscribers?
ALEX
I’m doing okay. I have this opportunity…a lady from this magazine, The Vlogosphere, called me and said they were considering doing a feature story on me in their post-Christmas issue. I’m just waiting for her to call and let me know. If that happens, I’ll have a ton of subscribers.
DEANDRE
It’s gonna happen. So, and I’m not hittin’ on you, or anything, what are you working on, now?
ALEX
(Indicating the WP) This. Place. This place. It’s part of Americana.
DEANDRE
Cool. I’m all about that. I’m not just a cook. I’ve got skills, way beyond this. I’m an artist. A digital artist. This is just temporary. So, what program are you using for editing?
ALEX
Final Cut Pro X for Mac. Ton of Memory. What are you using, Affinity Designer?
DEANDRE
Affinity…what would it take for a brief tutorial on that?
ALEX
Uh…a cup of coffee?
DEANDRE
I can handle that.
He gets a cup of coffee, while Alex sits at the counter, opening her laptop.
Mavis is walking past the jukebox. Suddenly, it comes on, playing a tune by Gladys Knight and the Pips. Mavis stops cold and listens.
MAVIS
What? I didn’t know that we had…that what the…
The lights dim, except for the area around the jukebox. Krampus steps into the light, dressed as a Pip, complete with 70’s Afro.
KRAMPUS
Hello, darlin’ Remember me?
MAVIS
(Muffling a scream) Creelo?
CREELO
None other. I happened to be in town. We’re performing a reunion show at…uh…
MAVIS
The Fox?
CREELO
That’s right. I heard you were in town, so I came to see you.
MAVIS
Oh, Creelo. I didn’t think you knew who I was.
CREELO
Well, I did. And I do. Dance with me, Mavis.
She crosses to him. During the following dialogue, the music changes to an R&B instrumental. Or a long instrumental break in the Gladys Knight song. They do Pip moves, in unison
MAVIS
Oh, Creelo, I’ve dreamed of this
CREELO
I know. I heard your…I mean, I’ve dreamed of this, too
MAVIS
Really?
CREELO
Sure, as far as you know. Like one of our songs says, “Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna…”
MAVIS
I thought that was Rick Astley.
CREELO
(Beat. He takes an extra spin.) That was a cover. (He stops, takes her in his arms.) Mavis, come away with me. You don’t belong in the place. You belong with me. You don’t want to spend your life bathed in maple syrup. (Thinks for a moment.) Although…please say you’ll come. (Croons) “ Never gonna say goodbye , never gonna make you cry…”I mean, look at that waitress drag. You know what it looks like?
MAVIS
What?
CREELO
A prison uniform. I’m here to break you out of this prison. Come with me. We’ll have a beautiful wedding with ice sculpture shaped like swallows.
MAVIS
Swans.
CREELO.
Even better. (He starts to walk, backwards, into the darkness.) Please, Mavis, darlin’. No more prison. Freedom. Love. Swans. (And he is gone.)
Lights return to normal. Mavis crosses to John and Connie. She stares at them.
CONNIE
What is it Mavis? Are you all right?
She begins taking off her apron.
CONNIE
What are you doing?
MAVIS
I can’t do this anymore. I can’t live in prison.
She starts taking off her uniform.
JOHN
Mavis… you can’t…
She throws off her apron, hat, clothes, and eventually her Farah Fawcett wig, in the air, possibly getting down to her 1950’s style underwear.
MAVIS
Sure I can. Fortunately, we’re in a lull.
CONNIE
Mavis! Calm down!
MAVIS
I’m calm. I’m just going to get my life back. With Creelo.
JOHN
Who?
CONNIE
Gladys Knight and the Pips.
MAVIS
He came to me. They’re doing a reunion show at the Fox. I’m going to go there, and when the concert is over, I’m going off with Creelo. (She salutes) Goodbye, Connie. Goodbye John. (She walks to the door, as they watch her, dumbfounded, and turns. She begins to sob.) He still wants me.
CONNIE
I thought he never wanted you.
MAVIS
(Walking out the door.) CREELO! (Exits)
John and Connie stare after her.
JOHN
I don’t know whether to laugh or cry.
CONNIE
I get that.
JOHN
What was that?
CONNIE
I guess she stopped taking her meds.
JOHN
Maybe the Hall of Fame thing pushed her over the edge, somehow.
CONNIE
Maybe. Could have got her thinking about how long she’s actually been working here…
JOHN
… and something snapped
CONNIE
This is bad.
JOHN
We can’t afford to lose anyone with Christmas coming on.
CONNIE
Especially Mavis.
Lights up on Krampus
KRAMPUS
What a shame. The loss of their most preciousasset. Oh, my. What will they do? Where are they going to find a replacement on short notice? At Christmas?
JOHN
Connie, where are we going to find a replacement on short notice? At Christmas?
CONNIE
I was just thinking the same thing. We’re gonna need a miracle to get through today.
Suddenly, the front door bursts open and Esperanza and Hugo appear in the doorway. They are laden with gifts and travel-stickered luggage. Esperanza wears a tiara.
HUGO
Greetings and salutations!
ESPERANZA
Hola, everybody! We’re home!
CONNIE
Esperanza! Hugo! You’re back!
JOHN
You spend all your lottery money?
HUGO
(Laughs) We’ve got a couple of hundred thousand left.
ESPERANZA
We’re saving that for the baby.
JOHN
The baby?
Esperanza passes Hugo her packages and opens her coat, revealing she is eight months
Pregnant.
CONNIE
Oh, honey! You came back to have the baby!
JOHN
Hugo, you old dog, you must be very excited!
HUGO
(Distracted) What? Oh, sure, sure. You mean being a daddy. Hey, who wouldn’t be?
ESPERANZA
But, I also came back to go to work.
JOHN
Here?
ESPERANZA
This is home, and I miss my old job very much.
CONNIE
(Looks at John, he nods, thumbs up) Well, we’re hiring.
JOHN
(Seeing stickers on the suitcases-trunk) Looks like you folks have been doing a bit of traveling.
HUGO
Yup. Our first stop was Minnesota, the Land of 10,000 lakes and 10 million mosquitoes.
ESPERANZA
That’s what passes for humor, up there.
HUGO
I wanted the folks and family to meet the new wife,
HUGO
So, we headed on back to the Twin Cities and started our honeymoon in my brother’s basement guest room.
ESPERANZA
They have a water bed down there. (Giggle, snuggle) It’s very bouncy…
HUGO
Sure is. We almost got sea-sick on the thing, bouncing and rolling…
CONNIE
(Breaking in) Sounds wonderful. Just wonderful,
ESPERANZA
Oh, it was. And the people were nice, and before we left, to see the world, we got a very thoughtful wedding gift from Hugo’s Mom.
HUGO
Lutefisk! A whole barrel! Raw codfish, soaked in lye.
ESPERANZA
Hugo gave a lot of it to my family and friends in Nicaragua. They’re still talking about it.
HUGO
I’ve still got a bunch left. I’ll be giving it away for Christmas gifts, and you guys are at the top of my list.
Note: Depending on how much we want Krampus to hear and what focus problems may arise, some light could come up on Krampus here on his perch, watching and listening while shedding his Creelo drag. Otherwise, there is another spot written later for this to occur.
ESPERANZA
(To Connie) I’d like to start work tomorrow, if that’s okay.
… CONNIE
Great! Come with me to the office, and we’ll fill out the paperwork and get you a uniform.
They exit to the office
Attention shifts to DeAndre and Alex.
John and Hugo move to a booth, and John get coffee for them both.
DEANDRE
So, that’s the famous Esperanza.
ALEX
Famous?
DEANDRE
She was a waitress here. Then she met a customer, a former philosophy professor turned garbage man. That’s Hugo. They got married, right here in the Waffle Palace.
ALEX
I wish I had video of that.
DEANDRE
That’s not all. A few days later, she got a lottery ticket for a tip from one of her customers and…
ALEX
She won the lottery.
DEANDRE
Some serious money. I guess they’ve been traveling ever since.
Attention shifts back to John and Hugo
JOHN
What about you, Hugo? Are you going to be teaching at one of our distinguished universities?
HUGO
Nope. Still working on my thesis, Ancient Alien Influence on Greek Philosophy. And going to work for UPS. (Crosses fingers) I hope.
JOHN
And, now, you’re going to be a father. Kind of a surprise, at your age.
HUGO
Yeah, a surprise. Maybe a shock. ((Pause) John, can I confide in you?
JOHN
Always.
HUGO
John, I don’t know about this baby thing. I mean, maybe I am too old for this. After all, I’m in my mid to late forties.
JOHN
Really? I thought you were closer to…
HUGO
So, I don’t know if I can deal with a baby, John. You know, they’re a little weird, to begin with. Those tiny toes, their lack of coordination. All that belching and gurgling…
JOHN
There is that. But, is that all that’s worrying you?
HUGO
(Pause) No. It’s…well…look, John. We attended those birthing classes, you know? And seven times out of nine, when I handled the baby…the doll…I dropped it. What if I drop the baby? Or worse. What if it gets sick, and I panic, or something, what if I can’t take care of it? What if…
JOHN
Hugo. I’m sure everybody is a little…
He is interrupted by the return of Esperanza.
Lights also come up on Krampus, at his makeup mirror, towel around his neck, removing Creelo makeup with face cream, half listening and observing the scene.
He is perhaps whistling, or humming softly, “Life is a Cabaret”.
ESPERANZA
Ready to go, stud-muffin?
HUGO
You betcha.
ESPERANZA
What were you talking to John about? You being scared to death about the baby? (He shrugs) Hugo, pumpkin, I’ve told you, over and… (We may hear a little faint, echoed whistling)
She stops.
HUGO
What.
ESPERANZA
Something is not right. I just felt a chill, deep in my bones. There is something evil, lurking here…
HUGO
I hope it’s not me.
ESPERANZA
(Laughing) Of course not. I’m just a little tired, I guess…
JOHN
Sure. All that traveling…
CONNIE
And the baby…
HUGO
So, let’s get you home and off your feet. (Starts gathering their things to exit) Lots to do. Got to get started baby-proofing the new house.
ESPERANZA
We’ll see you tomorrow.
Esperanza pauses at the door for a second, still uneasy.
She waves, good-bye and they are gone.
Lights still up on Krampus.
KRAMPUS
(Sarcastically) “There is something evil, here!” Got rid of Mavis, and this one turns up! See, folks, this is why it’s not so easy. This is why I do this, instead of you. That’s OK. I enjoy a good challenge.(Looks at watch) Maybe I need to take another approach.
Lights up on the diner. DeAndre is at the grill, trying to keep up. Connie waits on customers, and Esperanza will enter at some point from the back-room during the following dialogue, perhaps still wearing her tiara, and goes to coffee stand or waits on a customer.
Alex sits in a booth. John is behind the register with receipts, but keeping an eye on DeAndre, working on the grill.
Connie brings a check to the counter.
CONNIE
Gonna need four waffles, DeAndre. How you doing back there?
DEANDRE
I’m just one, or two, or six orders behind. I’m getting there. Hey, John.
JOHN
What.
DEANDRE
I’ve been talking to…a friend, and we came up with some ideas to get the WP into the twenty-first century. Social media, you know. I can help you with that.
JOHN
Don’t worry about that, DeAndre. Just cook.
DEANDRE
(He returns to the grill) But, think about it. Instagram, Facebook, Twitter…
JOHN
Deandre…
DEANDRE
Cooking the waffles.
Connie comes to the counter.
CONNIE
What was that about the twenty-first century?
JOHN
Nothing important.
CONNIE
Was it about getting on social media? (John shrugs) Maybe we should talk about that.
JOHN
Sure. Later.
CONNIE
John, you can’t keep putting this off. You promised we’d talk about getting something up on internet before you went in to the hospital.
JOHN
And we will. But, customers first, right?
Connie crosses to Esperanza now at the coffee stand.
`
Bubba and Tooty enter. Bubba is dressed in his version of a Christmas elf..
BUBBA
Hey, everybody.
TOOTY
Hey, y’all!
JOHN
Hey, folks!
ESPERANZA
Hey, Tooty.
TOOTY
Oh, you’re back. Look at you, honey!
BUBBA
Got a little waffle in the oven…
TOOTY
When’s that little old thing coming?
ESPERANZA
Christmas day.
TOOTY
Really? That’s what the doctor said?
ESPERANZA
No, he said it would be after the New Year. But it won’t. It will be on Christmas day.
CONNIE
Bubba, what have you got on?
TOOTY
Bubba’s goin’ down to the homeless shelter to help out, just like he does every Christmas.
ESPERANZA
He helps feed the homeless? That’s wonderful.
TOOTY
There’s all kind of interesting people at the shelter. There’s ex-CEO’s, and whatnot. This one guy is an artist. He…
BUBBA
I don’t actually feed them. I sit up front and play my ukulele, and sing my original songs about the homeless, and about the baby Jesus, and, I don’t know…food.
JOHN
I didn’t know you played.
TOOTY
He don’t play much. He only knows a couple of chords. And then sort of yells his poetry. Every year, they beg him not to do it.
BUBBA
I guess they think it’s too big a sacrifice to be away from family at Christmas time.
TOOTY
Last year, they even locked the shelter and turned out the lights, when they saw him coming.
BUBBA
I had to break in through a back window.
TOOTY
You oughta hear him. Bubba, do the one about the animals praising baby Jesus in the manger.
BUBBA
Sure. (Hits chord and sings which is more of a shout)
There was donkeys, there was chickens
They were smellin’ like dickens
There was camels, armadillos and they used the rats
For pillows.
And the monkeys ate bananas
While the parrot sang hosannas …
HOSANNA, HOSANNA, HOSANNA!
Then the ostrich and the beaver
Caught the copulation fever…
JOHN and ALL
Okay! That’s great, Bubba, etc.
ESPERANZA
Well, have a seat, and I’ll get your order.
BUBBA
You bet.
Bubba and Tooty sit in a booth, as John exits with reciepts to the office.
Creative conspiracy productions 